Ten Things I would tell my teenage son (and all my brothers) about women, dating, relationships and sex

I found the son/daughter advice posted by VerySmartBrothas to be, if nothing else, hysterically interesting and I considered what unfiltered advice I would give my own son about about dating, sex and women.

After the panic of realizing that he will one day be a teenager wore off, it occurred to me that there are days when I’m not certain that I’ll even allow the boy to survive to puberty, making this a moot point. Supposing he does make it to his teenage years, here is what I would love to impart to him, or any brothers that I value as people. I’ve kept it to ten since anything more than that and folks simply start skipping around and nodding off. So…away…I…go:

1)Don’t bother comparing other women to your mama. They simply won’t measure up.
I dont say that to imply that your mother is flawless. Rather, you, and all men worship at the altar of an idealized version of the woman who birthed us. I mean, she cooks, cleans, reads to us, gives us copious hugs, cheers on our every uncoordinated dance move and never once has she judged you or called you lame. She’s perfect isn’t she? Fact is, if you try and place other women on that pedestal they will come up short, because well, your assessment of your mama isnt a realistic one. You miss all of who your mama may be as a real human being because she is “the goddess who brings kisses and folded clothes.” Other women are going to have an agenda, where mama never had one, she just wanted to see you happy…or so you think. Anyway, mamas occupy a special place for a reason, as deluded and antiquated as those reasons are. It’s like comparing other ball players to Jordan. Never match up others up to the great one. Stick to that and you’ll be much happier, because a partner shouldnt ever be your mama.

2)It’s always better to be an asshole than a victim
Plenty of young ladies will tell you they love nice guys and you will mistakenly take this as religion and start carrying books, writing poetry opening doors. Then you will wake up and wonder why Rakeem the gun-toting ex-con 10th grader walked off with your lass. Listen man, women will often present the case, but leave out the supporting evidence. She likes nice guys, to be certain, but she prefers them good looking, well groomed, funny, spontaneous…and on and on…Better to be yourself and refuse to play a character. By being an asshole, I simply mean don’t compromise who you fundamentally are, because ladies will have you wearing capri pants, drinking chianti and picking out drapes during football season if you’re not cautious. See what I mean by victim? Present the man/boy/dude you are, genuinely and be willing to stand by that, whatever that costs you. All parties concerned will appreciate the honesty.

3)I’ve raised you to be a good, upstanding Christian. Think of the friend zone as hell. At all times.
She just wants to call you to talk? And that’s all she wants? You accompany her to the mall for smoothies…and to talk? Date went badly…and she needs you…to talk? Noticing a theme youngster? Most ladies reserve room in the friend zone for dudes who arent serious romantic prospects, but are just too handy/polite/gullible/harmless to let go of. You have no business moving damn furniture for any woman you have no real investment in, so put the table down…now. The ladies who do this rarely do so for malicious reasons, they often want to reassure themselves that there are men out there who won’t objectify, manipulate or abandon them. The friend zone is kind of like their self-esteem reserve fuel, and you power that engine. Don’t do it. You may find yourself hoping that one day she realizes how great you are and turns to you…and what? Listen bruh, carry yourself like a man who should be first priority or no priority at all. Set the tone early. No, we dont go to romantic comedies. No, we dont skip the ball game. No, i will not join PETA. No, I don’t love hanging out in IKEA. No, “just laying here together” is not great. You get the point.

4)If you are focusing on greener grass, you probably aint tending to your own yard
At some point, one of your friends is going to come back from Spain and tell you “Spanish chics are great, I’m moving to Spain.”, or your boy who dates Catholic school girls will tell you “Catholic school chics are awesome, that’s all I date now”, and watch out for your homey who opines “Yo, I just met a honey who lives three blocks over, I’m only dating honies in the next cul-de-sac!” Fact is, every group of men the world over have the same concerns/complaints/thoughts about their women, we’ve just managed to cope with these differently. If you do the front end work and get to know any woman you invest yourself in, then you will realize there is always work involved and a plus/minus ledger you must consider. She may love sex, but burns everything she cooks. She may be funny, but she scratche herself in public. People are flawed man, dont waste time looking for options you haven’t developed. Build your happiness through work at home.

5)Your penis can be your best friend or your worst enemy
As a teenager, you will learn that you have to plan around your penis because it will war with you to run your life. Waking up with an erection that was there since you were asleep proves that that bastard was scheming, even on our subconscious. I’m not saying that you should be a monk, rather you should find ways to balance the demands of your member with the demands of life. The penis wants honey over there with the two strips of fabric on, smiling seductively, touching herself, drinking shots of Patron…Wait, WTF? Drinking shots of Patron? We can’t afford that blessed rain water? You see how I won that battle. Think of your penis as a villain, you are the sheriff. No need to arrest him, just keep an eye on that bastard, for your sake.

6)Talk to women
When women arent being overly emotional or demanding respect, or wondering which of their friends you think is cutest…they can be very insightful. And you should take time to get to know the points of view of many kinds of women. Ladies tend to think it through, where we, as dudes, so often act and just let the chips fall. You need the balance that women can bring to your thoughts about yourself, your role as a man, your place in your community, and their place in your life. I only ask that you consider your sources wisely. If you want to know about what makes a “good man”, how about inquring of women who have maintained relationships (romantic and otherwise) with dudes that are generally good. See what I mean?

7)You will always lose money chasing women. You will never lose women chasing money.
Grades beget college, college begets employment, employment begets respectability/confidence/status/sucess, and all of that shit begets better dealings with women. You doubt it? You never hear uber wealthy cats talking about how difficult it is to get the attention of women, do you? Fact is, you ought to make something of yourself for your own benefit, and ladies will likely value/respect you more. We aren’t talking about gold-diggers, diferent post…we are talking about the tendency of all people, women especially, to gravitate toward a man who is self-assured because he has arrived and is transforming his life. It was always crazy to me in college that we as fellas would take hours getting ready to go see ladies and when we showed up they would be in their sleep wear with their textbooks open. Their priorities were in order, ours werent.

8)Mind your presentation
You will attract what you put out there bruh. You roll out of bed and dress like you are homeless, and you are likely to attract a homeless-level caliber of women. You speak like the gutter, you will attract women who value gutter talk. Point is, you need to dress, be and act the part. You want a better grade of woman, groom yourself to be a better grade of man. Smell good, look better, develop your mind so you have something of meaning to say, and learn a dance step or two. Women love that dancing shit. And glitter, they love glitter.

9)Even out the yolk
Folks will tell you that you should date all types of women in your youth, and while there is some merit to that, I don’t want you to having one night stands with devil-worshipers because you are the kwirky open-minded black kid from the burbs. There have to be some core values that are non-negotiable. Find out what yours are, and then try and match those with your female friends and lovers. I’m going to outright tell you to avoid vegans, women who take relationship quizzes in magazines, english lit majors, the aforementioned satanists, and any chic who would willingly and knowingly beat you in anything competitve in front of your boys.

10)Learn as you go
You are going to experience hurt, loss, despair, jubilation, resentment, anger, happiness and a wide range of emotions with the women in your life. I ask only that you see each experience as being necessary to the building of the great man I know you will be. No hurt should define you, no pain should wither you. There is always something more to learn, and the lessons are often etched on our emotions when we reflect on the experiences. Walk good little brother.

The revolution is being run by….the cool kids?

and by “it” I mean the idea that we live, breath, think and love in a “post-racial” and uniquely tolerant society. For those of you not in the know, a “post-racial” society is loosely defined as one where a person’s race is no longer singularly defining and/or significant.

That great intellect Will Smith made efforts to try and force us into the era of “post-racialism” when shortly after President Obama’s election in ’08, he opined “This is great, our people have no more excuses.” I imagine that he was suggesting that the election of one uniquely gifted, placed and able person from one community someone removed the spectre of race and prejudice against the rest of the members of his community? And by “our community” did Will mean Black folks, wealthy and upwardly mobile folks or slim brothers with big ears? I’m thinking he was squiring for post-racial thinking.

I don’t know if its fatigue or having recently filed my tax return, but something about that term (post-racial) and even the handling of the supposed movement toward “multiculturalism” ticks me right off. It might be that I see the first as a fantasy, and the second as an honorable goal, derailed by the careless, poorly equipped intellectuals who champion the cause.

I consider myself fairly well informed about the very broad area of multiculturalism, but every time I start to consider ways in our society focusing on it can help more people, someone pops up with a new group that wants their say. It started with just race and gender, went on to include sexual orientation and religion, and finally grouped in people with disabilities. While all of these groups and concerns are important, the message has become watered down. We have failed to give our society a focused multicultural message to concentrate their attention on, and we have chosen frightening messengers to carry it forward.

White folks should listen to the message of a Tim Wise? But they rarely will because he comes across as manic, and the overwhelming number of his ideas serve as rebukes to those in his own community. If i’ve learned anything in the times I teach perspective taking as an adaptive skill, it’s that you won’t move people closer to your point of view unless yu concede certain points and most importantly, meet them where they are.

We have failed to make the issue of race matter to the average White person, and we often attack them for not caring, though we’ve not considered ways to make them care about OUR issue. Feminists take very little time to better understand the point of view of the men that they wish to influence, often presenting a very insular argument and leaving no room for male allies that are actually comfortably male and not phallis apologists (I’m looking at you bell Hooks).

No movement is fully realized without allies, great and small. I have come to realize even with this small, insignificant blog that many of my own White firneds/brothers/sisters are reluctant to comment openly out of fear that they will sound poorly informed and will thus be attacked. If that is the mindset, then there is no way to open real dialogue and engage the process. I don’t blame them, i blame every one of us for it.

We have effectively created a counter culture that people treat as an in-group with cool kids on the in, and squares on the out. We use jargon (I heard someone actually say Christo-centric and rail against someone who didnt know what it meant) and create ever changing mores that no one can possibly hope to stay up with. And it time we acknowledged that all of it has been done in the name of creating a cult of personality (I see you Dyson), to sell multiculturalism as our property and to feel good because “I know something you dont. I am what you never could be.” And we are doomed to our corner that we’ve decorated with our smirks and winks, to fail.

Race certainly still matters, and we, in my estimation, will never be a post-racial society, but we can make that an aspiration as long as we are willing to recruit an army of minds from all communities. Oh, and stop scaring the hell out of people with your scary ass thoughts (I’m looking at myself on that one.)

Act Like a Lady…Think Like a Man…Cull the Herd

“I’m listening with a broken ear”, “Cesar’s Way” and “the other end of the leash” are important in that all have been hailed as recent groundbreaking works in dog training, have been lauded for the insight and effectivness in dog training, and ease of use for dog owners/lovers.

I mention these works because they immediately came to mind as I spent more time thinking about Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady…”, which has gone from just being an interesting comedy of sorts, to a movie and dare I say, a how-to textbook for ladies hoping to better live with/love and understand the men in their lives. And it is a weapon that has been sold to the masses without proper license and instruction…

Back to the above works for a tick. See, all of those dog training books suggest that they “give dog owners a deeper understanding of their beloved pet….will give you a better behaved, happier dog…” and these are things that any dog owner/lover would/should want. But what about that segment of the population that don’t really want that understanding, couldn’t care less about dogs and simply want…control. Simply wants their “beloved pets” to be predictable, little more than a living piece of furniture, a programmed beast. In the hands of those folks, the above mentioned books are a weapon. A dangerous tool set on stun, what is designed to use to train then is used to “cage”, “subdue”, “abuse.”

This brings me back to Harvey’s opus. Full disclosure, I haven’t read the entire book, and probably never will. The pieces I’ve ventured into raise a number of thoughts to the surface. 1)This dude is sharing way too much “Bro Code” and is thus hemmoraging pimpage. A definite violation. 2)I felt like i knew what was coming every sentence, because well, it’s predictable, little more than advice from Madea’s home trained uncle. 3)And most importantly, there are certain women who will use this tome for evil, nefarious purposes.

That last probably stuck with me most. Where there are certainly ladies who will seek to use this work to better understand their lovers, brothers, uncles, colleagues…there are those (small in number, but devilishly active) who would seek to use those small truths shared in the book as a means of control. Instead of a guide of sorts, they would use it as a hunter’s manual for subduing prey.

They don’t simply want to know what the behavior means for the sake of better relating to men, the agenda involves winning. Her pursuit of trophies, culling the herd! And here we are applauding brother Steve for handing this nuclear weapon over to a hostile nation.

There is nothing wrong with crafting this work, but failing to outline exactly the kind of mind and person that would most benefit from it’s use is a dereliction of responsibility. At the very least you need to sell a product like this with a companion certification that has to be passed in entirety before the contents can be read.

As is, Steve has allowed for infiltration by strangers onto sacred emotional ground, and were that not bad enough he has given them a map of the castles and riches held within. Some ladies certainly wish to better know men, some wish to better stalk their targets, and Steve has trained their sights.

What this book has done is given a percentage of vapid, careless, immature, ill prepared, self absorbed women a shortcut. Instead of learning from mistakes, building good relationships with men anf growing, he has provided a steroid. A performance enhancer. So the above mentione ladies can choose to engage in the same bad habits, but better predict the trobule signs, abuses and failure they face with greater insight. Damn you Steve. You don’t give children loaded guns!

Do not take this lightly fellas, your mysterious ways now make more sense to women far and wide. Our secrets have been de-mystified by one of our own, and where many of us may enjoy greater levels of kinship with women, others are currently walking into traps. And where one of us is trapped wrongly, none of us is free!

Turning my cards in…

“You know you are in a time of great upheaval when the gentry start waxing poetic about their own lost greatness and halcyon days.”
-Barron, taken from Tooth and Nail (Napoleon Wells)

The above qute describes what I find myself often feeling about the groups I’m connected to nowadays. I am a proud member of several groups, some large, some small, but all having shaped my identity is some way. As of late, I’ve been feeling like I want to turn in several of my membership cards, go on hiatus or simply resign from participation because the body of membership has driven me to it. I’m sure you sometimes feel the same way. My groups and reasons for wanting to turn in my cards are as follows:

Black folks (East Coast/NY Chapter): I’m a New Yorker. Anyone who knows me is aware of this. Some people who meet me out and about, don’t initially realize it, and will often comment that I don’t readily sound/act like a NYer. Not sure what to make of that, but I’ve talked plenty to friends from NYC who suggest that my residence being in South Carolina is akin to living in a foreign nation, and they wonder when I gave up my U.S. citizenship.

The conversation usually involves some reference to how we do it in NYC, “the country”, how awful Southern rap music is, how bored I must be because of all of the arts/entertainment I’m missing out on, and how terribly uninteresting most of the people are.

I say all of that to say that I’ve been considering giving up my Black folks NYC chapter card because of the rampant isolationism and sense of superiority living and breathing in the five boroughs. We literally behave like the colonialists of the Black community, bringing civilization to our masses and visiting other locales for our entertainment, taking what resources we need as we go and failing to embrace local customs.

What we’ve failed to see is that our community has moved on, and doesnt consider our opinion as much as it once did. Instead of branching out to all of the community, it seems like we’ve closed ranks in more, and so we appear ot be alien to others. You ever notice how everyone else’s accent sounds kind of southern?

And to all of those who go on about the arts that the rest of us miss out on, i would ask when was the last time that you made opening night at the Met? Broadway? Off-Broadway? I love home, but it almost feels like being Black and American is like being a stranger in a strange land with NYC. Plenty of folks would ask, “wait, you aren’t from the islands?”, and mean it.

I could go on, but I wont build more of a case against membership with my home. I’m keeping that card for the time being, but I will revisit my membership and whether my dues are worth it.

Black folks (Southern Chapter): What appears to schizophrenia in NYC, appears to be an axis II personality disorder among my people in the South. Southern Black folks have felt so rejected and marginalized for so long that this disturbed sense of pride in all things Southern Black has emerged. It often borders on ridiculous. I know older and younger Southern Black folks, and I wonder why you can have a Julian Bond from Tennessee who sounds as clear as a bell, and an 8-Ball and MJG from Tennessee who speak as if they have marbles in their mouth. Point is, you have to be making an effort to sound this patently “Dirty South”, and it doesn’t reflect well. It’s actually kind of embarassing.

I have taken up my membership proudly in the South, but I need some sensible changes sooner rather than later: The music can’t be this devoid of all meaning. Well, I may be a hypocrite here because I dig dancing, and watching women dancing to, Southern rap. But I can’t help but thinking that the race is set back ten feet every time Wacka Flacka says anything in public, even hello.

The cars: My wife had a term for some of the cars we saw regularly upon moving to Alabama in 2007: Bamatard. It makes no sense to take a 1500 dollar car, put 4000 dollar rims on it and paint it some ungodly eyesore of a color.

All that aside, I love the spirit of industry in the South, and the ways in which small communities of people rally together, there is a “do-it-yourself” attitude which has developed out of necessity in the deep South, and it is kind of infectious.

The new South has something to say, you just hope that people dont get too full of themselves, because then you have Atlanta, where everyone believes the world is waiting with baited breath for what they will do, think or wear next. My membership with the South, also gets a stay of execution.

Ghosttown: The friends I grew up with are Christopher Emdin, Greg Lewin, Gregory Sewell, Ashley Coby, Kayson Grinnell and Neverson Heatley is kind of like Jarobi from a Tribe Called Quest. Point is, to have that many brothers come together and push one another to succeed without large egos and no-infighting is amazing. I am honored to among those brothers, even with Kayson picking his nose in public. Ghosttown may have been a youthful monicker, but our lives have given it meaning in our adult years and my membership will follow me wherever I go. The membership card is branded on my psyche.

America (North, United States chapter): The nation is experiencing growing pains and we are a crazy, often hateful family, but we are family. I’m conflicted about the land of my birth, and have been for some time.

I have seen the courage to elect our President, but a reluctance to fight for his policies. We have opened up avenues of progress for the least among us, and yet we rationalize the senseless loss of life. We are a bundle of insecurity and potential, and racism, and effort, and immaturity and boundless energy, and it quite honestly wears me out. I am embarassed by our refusal to engage our schisms and promote healing, but this supposed new hatred and anger we share, has always been there, we are simply being more honest about it. It’s like Auntie and Uncle Buck realizing at the cookout that the kids are all grown up at the cookout, so we can really argue about whats going on. The growth has been painful, and I’m hanging in for right now, but much more of this and I’m moving to Sao Paolo…wait, Brazil has the same pains we have and they like soccer…sheesh, I’m keeping my US membership. Sigh.

McNair Scholars: We are the gang that can change the world one mind at a time. I’m in til the wheels fall off.

Supporters of HBCU’s: I had membership here for years, but I just don’t see how most HBCU’s have earned ongoing support. Whether it be facilities (lacking) or a refusal to change with times, or a student body which seems less than worthy of the names of the schools they attend, I think we are at a critical time in the history of HBCU’s. Do most of them fulfill the mission? Unless it’s the best of this group (Morehouse, Spelman) or the B-team (Howard), I just don’t see much use for most of these schools other than gathering places for tradition hungry students. Can you think of a single significant contribution to ever come from Ark Pine Bluff? Texas Southern? Tenn State? This membership is in serious jeopardy.

Pausing for breath, I’ll part two this for next week’s blog.